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Motherhood is all consuming.

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Having babies, nursing, feeling the fear of loving someone that much, and

there's this baby on your chest, and boom, your entire life has changed.

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It's a privilege of being your child's safest space and

watching your heart walk around outside of your body.

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The truth is, I can be having the best time being a

mom one minute, and then the next time questioning.

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My life choices.

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I'm Lo Mansfield, your host of the Lo and Behold podcast, mama of four Littles,

former labor and postpartum RN, CLC, and your new best friend in the messy middle

space of all the choices you are making in pregnancy, birth, and motherhood.

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If there is one thing I know after years of delivering babies at the bedside and

then having, and now raising those four of my own, it is that there is no such

thing as a best way to do any of this, and we're leaning into that truth here.

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With the mix of real life and what the textbook

says, expert Insights and Practical Applications.

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Each week we're making our way towards stories that we participate

in, stories that we are honest about, and stories that are ours.

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This is the lo and behold podcast.

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Lo: Welcome to The Low and Behold Podcast.

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I am so excited to finally be able to say that

having a podcast has been a dream of mine forever.

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And if you already follow me on Instagram or the occasional

TikTok, I don't really post on TikTok that much, but I am there.

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But Facebook, wherever, you've probably become aware pretty quickly that brevity.

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Speaking simply is not my strong point.

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I spend a lot of time explaining and teaching, and so a podcast

feels like the perfect place to be able to say more, right?

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Our social media world doesn't typically allow for

us to say all the things we wanna say and that it's.

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Specific amount of time, but the podcast definitely will allow for that, right?

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So anyways, if you don't already know me, if you didn't happen to listen to the trailer

and you're just jumping in here with me right now, my name's Lo Mansfield, I am the

mom, the nurse, the CLC behind the Labor Mama platform, which is a space where I just

spend time on social media, my website, and my online courses, educating parents,

families about birth, postpartum, breastfeeding, all of the type of education that.

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I know that you need to have a better experience, especially inside

of our hospital system when we're talking about birth and all of that

passion and that desire for that for you was really, you know, it

culminated or started when I started the journey of becoming a mom myself.

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I'd been at the bedside for a very long time at that point, but I.

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Hadn't experienced it, right?

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So it's really different to be the patient, to be the person in the bed, to be

the person asking questions or having to respond to interventions or whatever.

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And so all of that, I think just really solidified how I felt about birth

and then how I felt that you should be prepared for birth based on how it

went for me and what I felt was lacking and what wasn't, and all of that.

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And so that's actually what we're gonna get into here today.

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I went back and forth on how to start this podcast and honestly, I delayed even

recording this first episode for a very long time ' cause I just wasn't sure.

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How do we start this?

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How do we start telling the story of why you should stick around

with me, why you may wanna spend time with me, why I am sitting here

in front of you, throwing my voice out into all the noise, right?

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And I really just kept coming back to my birth stories.

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So in case you dunno, I am a mom of four.

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If you're listening to this present day, my littlest just turned 1-year-old.

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So now, right now, from the moment we're starting this podcast,

I have an 8-year-old, a 6-year-old, a 4-year-old, and a

1-year-old, I felt like our, birth stories don't define us, right.

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They are not the thing that tells us who we are, but I think they tell us a lot about.

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What we believe about motherhood or they help show like the foundation of how

we move forward from that, you know, kind of quote unquote day one, right?

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And so I just felt like.

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If you wanna understand who I am or where I'm coming from, or why

I mother the way I do, or teach the way I do, or love the way I do.

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A lot of it starts with that first birth story and that kind of

transition from LDRP nurse who'd taken care of all these patients.

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Sister, wife, all of that.

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But I wasn't a mother, right?

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And so becoming a mother and then walking through all of the

things that I now wanna walk through with you online, right?

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I just think that that's such a pivotal moment in the who I am.

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And it can just tell you a lot about who I am.

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And then also you're gonna find that it probably tells you a lot about yourself.

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And I wanna reiterate again, I do not think our birth stories

are what set us up for success in motherhood or good motherhood

or whatever you wanna throw in front of that motherhood term.

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But I do think that they are foundational right to how we

move forward from that place, whether that be immediately into

our postpartum or if we're talking even longer term of just.

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Here's how my birth went, and then this is how it

really, how it impacted me for the rest of my life.

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All of my subsequent births stuffs like that.

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So anyways, that's a long intro.

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That's a long welcome.

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But ultimately.

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I'm delighted to be here and I think this first birth story is a great place to start.

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So when it comes to getting pregnant, my husband and I did

not struggle with getting pregnant with our first baby.

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We were blessed for that.

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It happened really quickly.

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I did not spend too much time kind of debating.

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How to get into it or tracking or anything like that.

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For us, it was just kind of a let's go for it and let's see what happens.

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And so we were pregnant.

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I'm pretty sure I had a chemical pregnancy my first month, if you guys know what that is.

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It's essentially where the egg is.

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The sperm, oh my gosh, I'm blanking on the name.

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Where you do conceive and an embryo is created,

but it just doesn't attach, to the uterine wall.

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And so sometimes you go to positive pregnancy test, sometimes you won't.

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But often what happens is your period comes, you know, like 5, 6, 7 days late

because for that briefest interval, your body was kind of, I guess the word's like

hesitating 'cause that embryo was potentially there and it just doesn't attach.

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So pregnancy never really begins, but my second.

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The second month of trying, we did get pregnant, which

was obviously a surprise that it happened so quickly.

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I think nowadays, often a lot of us think that it just won't happen

quickly for whatever reason, because we know that infertility and

complications and things like that are more common than maybe we had

priorly believed, or, you know, that our moms talked about or whatever.

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So.

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We were delighted and very excited about this pregnancy.

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One thing I wanna note is my first pregnancy is a very tender space for

me because it's very complicated and twisted up in the story of my mom.

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And if you follow me on Instagram, I've definitely shared about my

mom a ton over the years, and you'll hear that more in this story.

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So if for some reason, like listening to a story of a sick parent

or something like that, doesn't feel right for you right now.

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I would encourage you to just step out of this podcast

and come back and listen ifra when you feel ready.

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But that is a part of this story, and so I just wanted to put that in front of you.

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If you're just in that tender space, maybe of loss or something like that.

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And this is not something I. You know, that you wanna listen to right now.

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Okay.

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So I told you getting pregnant was quote unquote easy.

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We found out we were due the first week of December.

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I actually don't remember my specific due date, but that

actually shows you that I don't care that much about due dates.

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So that's the nurse in me who just knows that due dates are guess dates.

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But I know that I was due in December because for whatever reason I,

and it was early December and for whatever reason, I thought I will not.

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I am, I am going to have my baby in November, which

makes no sense because we have no data to show that.

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Anything happens when we think it's gonna happen.

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And first time moms of anything, I feel like often go late.

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And the data we do have shows that in general, the majority of us deliver

around 40 weeks and three days to 40 weeks and five days, that's like average.

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So I don't know why I was convinced that I would

have my baby in November, but I was, so there you go.

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Interestingly, a lot of people ask, oh, how'd you tell your husband?

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You know, and I actually am maybe a weirdo.

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You can, leave me a comment and let me know, but I kind of kept it a

secret from my husband, Kelvin, and so I think I took the pregnancy

test, I wanna say like early in the morning and it wasn't positive.

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I tossed it in the trash and then I came back to it later, which

I know it's like technically not positive if you have to come

back to it, but it was obviously positive a couple hours later.

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I don't remember why I came back and looked at it again.

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I think it was just my period was late and so I thought I have to be pregnant.

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Right.

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So I came back to it and it was positive and I sat

on that for, I think I sat on it for the whole day.

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You know, I'm surprised I can't even remember it now.

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It might have even been till the next day because for whatever reason

I told him on Easter and I remember standing with him in church.

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I think it had happened that morning, or I'd taken the test that morning.

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Anyway, we're standing together at, at church and I remember just singing and thinking.

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I'm pregnant right now and nobody in the world knows, not

even my husband, which baby makes me not sound that that nice.

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'cause he should know.

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But I just wanted to tell him in a sweet way, not that running into

their room and waking them up or whatever their room, we share a room,

but it's not like you can't tell them straight away as soon as you know.

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But I wanted to like do a little something.

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So I made this little card and that night.

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I gave it to him, and I've since made a card for all of our other babies that has

this little, like a little poem that basically says, you know, it's gonna be two,

we're gonna be two, and then we're gonna be three, or we're having another baby.

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So I have these cute little cards that I've always shared with him when I've told him.

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Because I've never told him immediately.

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I've always kind of then given him this card once I've known her.

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Were pregnant and I have these cards now and I keep them

and they're glued to the front of our kids' baby books.

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So it's kind of sweet memory.

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But anyways, I told him, that night and then we kind of waited for

quite a while, before we wanted to tell parents and family and stuff.

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You're gonna learn this from me.

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I have no qualms with you telling the whole world the second you're pregnant.

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I don't care if you keep it a secret the whole time.

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Like I absolutely think the idea of sharing our pregnancy when we

want to, it's Yeah, any, there's any right moment in all of that.

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Whether that be sharing with your family or

best friend, the world, social media, whatever.

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I don't think that you have to wait.

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I don't think that you have to.

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Do it straight away.

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I think you can keep it from people.

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It's totally between the two of you.

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So, we personally, I just felt like I wanted to wait until, we'd gone

to that first ultrasound and, ideally heard that heartbeat, right.

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And I think a little bit.

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Of comp, you know, competing emotions with that

was that my mom was pretty sick at that time.

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When I was, I guess technically like about five or six weeks pregnant, somewhere in there.

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I just found out my mom ended up in the ICU and she has

a long health history of complications at this point.

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Cancers that she's beaten and autoimmune disease, things like that.

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So she was more or less, well she'd, she'd go through something

really hard and we'd navigate it as a family and then she'd beat it.

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And then, I don't know, a couple years later, something would happen again.

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And then of course, if you're a cancer survivor,

you know, at that point she'd survived two cancers.

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I think it was, sometimes you know the body, you

just have more check-ins, more things going on.

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You can be immunosuppressed or whatever.

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So she kind of always had a little something going on, but at this specific moment, her

body, she just got hit with this fungal infection, pneumonia and flu all at the same time.

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she had an autoimmune disease, which had made her lungs less efficient, let's say.

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And so the combo of this like triple infection and.

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The autoimmune disease and the weaker lungs.

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She just ended up in the I-C-I-C-U for about a month.

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so the day of our first ultrasound, we went in and I remember looking

at my nurse, or excuse me, my midwife, and I was, I was crying and

emotional I think before just because of my mom, and I just felt so

burdened by everything going on, but of course, also pregnant, right?

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And excited and.

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You know, nervous and scared and all.

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It's just a lot of juggling emotions throughout

my entire pregnancy as you'll continue to hear.

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So anyway, I looked at my midwife and I just told her, we really need a win today.

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And then she put that little ultrasound probe on my belly and we heard that heartbeat.

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And you guys, if you've heard that.

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Yay.

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You know how sweet that moment is and if you haven't and you

want to, I hope and pray that that moment comes for you soon.

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But it is just pretty precious.

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And I think it was for Kelvin.

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I just think almost it was the coolest in that moment.

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'cause there's something about that first time, like it's been a

delight to hear the heartbeat of every single one of my children.

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And I have cried every single time.

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But I do really remember that moment with Kelvin where it's just like, oh my gosh.

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We made a baby and there is its heartbeat.

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So we got that win and I actually, my husband and I got on a airplane that day.

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We were planning already to fly home, see my parents, so I could spend some

time with my mom in the hospital because we did not live in the same state.

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So we flew home with the news that we were pregnant.

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And got to tell them it was a little complicated, telling family.

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It's just not the way you picture it.

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Right.

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'cause she was in the ICU, she couldn't get outta bed.

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She could talk, and she was, you know, more or less with it, but it was kind

of, yeah, it was just a little bit, it's a, it's a sticky memory, right?

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Like you picture telling your parents or whoever it is you love.

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Hey, we're pregnant and there's cheering and hugging

and all of that, and that's not quite how it went.

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But either way, it was a real, a joy to be able to share

something so good with her in the midst of something so rough.

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She did get better.

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She left the ICUA few weeks later.

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And so we'll continue to have some struggles throughout my pregnancy.

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I'll get there soon.

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But, yeah, she was out of the ICU soon and it was kind of just like

normal life while I, you know, grew this baby and worked at the bedside.

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So I will say as I was working, there was a lot of, I.

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You know, this interesting back and forth of

being a nurse and also just being a, a mom, right?

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And how, and juggling all of that with, you see all these things that happen

at the bedside, and some of them are really broken and really hard, right?

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And so I might have someone coming to triage and I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and

so is she, and she has decreased fetal movement or something like that, right?

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And so it's really tough.

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To navigate or kind of separate yourself from your work when you are literally, like your

body is doing what your work is, which is growing a baby and then birthing that baby.

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And so there were a lot of times I'd shoot my parents a text

during that pregnancy and be like, Hey, can you just pray for me?

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You know, I saw something really hard at work today and it, and it was, it's just hard.

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Right?

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I'm just clinging onto that a little bit or, yeah, that kind of stuff was

just, let's say, keeping me up at night more than it should type thing.

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So I don't think it was miserable to be a nurse when I was pregnant.

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I like, I loved all the knowledge I had.

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If anything, it bettered my birth, it bettered my pregnancy

because I felt so educated and informed and all of that.

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But it, there was that idea that, you know, knowledge is power,

but sometimes it can also cause fear if you're not careful.

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So that's kind of how it felt to navigate my pregnancy.

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I was.

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Totally healthy.

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Everything went beautifully with that entire pregnancy, and I felt amazing.

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So really the only challenge was kind of that little balance of knowing too

much and just making sure that I used or had really good boundaries around.

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I. Like myself and what I let kind of, those anxieties do,

to me, my own mind, my own body as I kind of grew this baby.

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The other thing that I would say that was most challenging

and really was the most challenging thing, but doesn't.

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Obvi, does it really have anything to do with pregnancy?

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Was my mom.

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And so I told you she got outta the ICU in the spring and unfortunately a couple

months later in the fall, so I was probably like six, seven months pregnant.

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My mom got a new cancer diagnosis and it was lymphoma or non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

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And yet, I know it might seem weird that I don't know, but this was her third cancer.

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I know you're probably like, how do you not know?

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Third or fourth?

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I can't even recall right now.

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'cause she had had, one was in remission.

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She had had breast cancer, she had multiple myeloma.

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I think this was the third thing.

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And if you recall, she left the ICU right after about a month.

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And so her body just wasn't ideally prepared to handle anything like this.

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Right.

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And so we were pretty scared when she got this

diagnosis because it, it possibly just meant that.

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I don't wanna say that, oh, this could be the end, but we

just, we knew she wasn't equipped to fight cancer again.

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Chemo and radiation and all of that.

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She was pretty thin.

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She was pretty frail.

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She'd had a hard time gaining weight after the ICU.

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We just knew that this was not a body that was prepped to do this big, hard thing.

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So that became a pretty significant challenge the last couple of months of my

pregnancy, just navigating those emotions, everything that was going on with

her being scared that, you know, maybe, maybe wouldn't know her, and that this.

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This really could be the beginning of the end.

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I don't know.

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That sounds so gross to say, but it was pretty scary and, and we all felt it, but

we also were trying to, you know, live right, grow my healthy baby on my side.

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My mom's, you know, saying, no way I'm gonna be here for everything.

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So it was kind of brutal, honestly, that idea of becoming a mother.

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Well.

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You know, losing my mom at the same time, it was, ugh.

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It was not easy if, because I note you guys, if I start to cry, I promise I'm not gonna

cry every episode or every birth story, but some, this one is not the easiest one for me

sometimes, but like I said at the beginning, I think this is all part of who I am and.

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I care about the things I care about and the ways that I do.

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So anyways, sick mom.

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And inside of that, we'd kind of learned that she couldn't

travel to see me when my baby was going to be born.

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My husband and I had gone back and forth on whether or not we wanted.

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To have my mom there.

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We definitely wanted her to be with us postpartum.

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She was just the best grandmother helper, just knew how to be present but not overbearing.

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And she'd been a grandmother to my niece for four years at this point.

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And then I had one other niece who was 1-year-old, so she'd been a grandmother.

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She was a fabulous grandmother.

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So we, my kids, the kids called her Nana, the ones who

could speak anyways, so she was an incredible nana.

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And we could not wait to have her do that and be that with us and for us.

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So.

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Unfortunately that was part of that news though, is

that she could not come out, she could not be with us.

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And so we would have to bring baby home at some

point to meet her and to get to be with her.

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So just another disappointment to kind of walk through.

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But I will say Kel and I, we were pretty sure, and then ultimately

we did decide that we just wanted it to be us in the birth room.

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Kel and I did birth class together, and I am.

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So proud of him and us for doing it.

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I think a lot of times I got the question, you know, lo why are you doing a birth class?

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You know, everything, which first of all is not really true, right?

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Like going through birth just opens your eyes to so

many things, even if you've been a nurse for 35 years.

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But I will say I, yeah, I do know a lot or I know a lot of the clinical stuff, but.

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My big goal was, Hey, I've never been the person in labor.

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Like what is it like when it's my body, not the patient in front of me, my body?

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What is transition gonna feel like for me?

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How do I prepare my body at home?

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Like there's so much more to learn.

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So I think everybody should be in birth education, including a labor and birth nurse.

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Especially, you know, if it's your first baby and you haven't done it yet.

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And then for us equally, so was Kel.

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I wanted, my goal was to try to do birth on Medicaid, so at the

hospital, but no intervention, low intervention and unmedicated.

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And I wanted Kel to be on board with that.

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I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted to hire doula.

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I felt like my midwives and the nurses who I worked with, 'cause I delivered where.

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I worked every day that they would be really good support and care and extra love

and all that good stuff that you kind of get when you deliver where you work.

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And so I felt like the combination of them and then,

if Kelvin got prepped and ready and all of that

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Would be a good enough combination or a great combination for me to.

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Yeah, get after.

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I always say Chase, chase that unmedicated birth.

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So to get Kel on board, he'd never held a baby.

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I mean, he had like zero experience in any of this.

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And to be honest, when I'd come home from work

and tell him stories, he was like, yeah, great.

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I'm good.

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I do not need to hear any of this.

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He works in business and but consulting and just our

two niches passions, worlds could not be farther apart.

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So I felt like it was time for him to get.

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Introduced to this, to this birth world and, and what

it looks like for him to truly, actively play a role.

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Because I knew, I absolutely knew he could, and I

trusted him with that before he ever learned a thing.

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And so the birth class was just invaluable for the both of us.

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It taught me so much about my own body, and I feel

like it taught me the, I'm gonna use the word crunchy.

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This stuff is not crunchy.

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It's what we should all just know.

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And that's why I. Teach all of this now in my own, your

body of birth course is because this isn't crunchy.

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This is our bodies, but the.

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A class that we took, we did a, a class with a doula, with two other couples.

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Some of our best friends who were also having babies, the six of us took

it together, and it just taught us so much about our bodies, what was

happening, that it was normal, that unmedicated birth was not a weird thing.

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I felt like that was super valuable for Kelvin.

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Like, Hey, here's the physiological process.

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This is all normal.

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It's what bodies are designed to do.

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We've got chemicals and hormones and systems moving around together like this.

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Not a single part of this is weird or strange or creepy, and.

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If your wife, in this case me wants that unmedicated birth,

then you can absolutely support her in that and know that it's

normal and something worth chasing if that's what you guys want.

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And so I felt like Kel just really grasp onto that once he, he got the knowledge of

the process and that understanding of how it works and, and just how he could step in.

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So he was just, yeah, he was on board and then he can be pretty competitive too.

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And so I think.

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The, our friends we're in birth class with, I'll be honest, they are both

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all six of us are like wildly competitive.

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Some of them were D one athletes at their college.

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So I, and all of us wanted to do birth unmedicated.

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So this, you can laugh at me and think that's ridiculous,

but I feel like part of it was all of us thinking like.

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I'm gonna do this.

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I'm medicated, we're all gonna do this.

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Right.

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So it was almost like, oh, and we were all due within two weeks of each other.

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It was our kids all literally ended up coming within

like 20 days of each other over their three births.

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So I felt like we were all just locked in.

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And Kelvin for sure, 'cause he is so competitive, was also locked in.

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Like, she's gonna do this.

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I'm gonna help her.

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And our friends are gonna do it and we're all gonna be able to say we did it.

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And he probably.

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Probably liked that part of it too.

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So anyways, we were totally prepared, education wise, as prepared as you can be.

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And then I, as labor got closer, started doing some of the things right, all

those natural induction tools and tricks and all that stuff that you hear about.

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I did, let's see, the first time I did.

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Primrose oil pills, I would poke a hole in them

and then insert them in the vagina every night.

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I think I started that around 37, 38 weeks.

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I drank the raspberry leaf tea.

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I did not eat dates.

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You guys, I know that's like so big and I teach about it and

talk about it, and we talk about all of these tools inside

of your body or birth, including the ones I've never tried.

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tea.

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So yeah, tea.

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Pills, no dates because I think I just like didn't know a ton about it at the time.

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Tons of optimal fetal positioning that really mattered

to me in my birth class that I'd taken with that doula.

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She had just taught a ton about that, and so that felt, yeah, I, from that moment

on, honestly, I've just believed that optimal fetal positioning exercises pre-birth

and then doing everything we can to have our baby in that great position is just.

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Yeah, it's a, it's one of my favorite things.

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It is the thing I think to birth prep long before tea or pills or whatever, all of

that stuff, I have to say, I have to caveat, of course I did with, you know, midwife

approval and just checked in and kind of did the, Hey, can I start doing the things?

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And you know, my midwives are probably pretty traditional.

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Midwives are like, yeah, do whatever you want, you know, within safe boundaries.

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And so those were the big things I did at that time.

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But I know I told you that I. Thought babe

would come early without any reason to think so.

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But I also wasn't obsessed with it, if that's the right word.

325

I, it wasn't like I started doing the mile circuit every day, or lunges or squats.

326

I just quietly and like consistently did things each day.

327

I'd sit on a birthing ball at work because I was still

working at the bedside, you know, 12, 13, 14 hours a day.

328

I was just kind of thoughtful throughout my day about my positioning, but also.

329

Didn't feel super stressed about it.

330

I wasn't having cervical checks at my last appointments.

331

I actually never had my cervix checked until we got into labor.

332

Yeah.

333

I just, I was prepped and ready and for some reason thought that I would go a little

bit early, but other than that, I. I would say I felt pretty chill if that I'm not

maybe always a chill person, but in that I, in that, I don't remember being too

worked up about anything, but definitely was doing a little bit to, to get ready.

334

One thing I can say is that I worked all the way up until the baby was born.

335

I know sometimes you hear nurses or other.

336

Professions as well.

337

They'll take off a week or two before, but we got no maternity leave at work.

338

We just got, we could use our disability and then FMLA, nothing was paid,

so I did not wanna use, you know, a day of leave until my baby was born.

339

And so I had scheduled myself.

340

To work up until Thanksgiving.

341

And then I had requested Thanksgiving off because I

had thought that my mom could come out and be with us.

342

And then, like I mentioned, it wasn't possible, but I just kept those PTO days,

just requested off and thought I'll spend the holiday with Kelvin and you know,

we'll be about 39 weeks, so that'll probably feel nice to have Thanksgiving So

the day before Thanksgiving was my ended up being my last shift and I worked.

343

It's so funny to me, 14 hours, and I wanna say I was 39 and zero days pregnant.

344

So obviously if you've been 39 weeks pregnant, you

know, you are pretty uncomfortable and pretty ready.

345

But I worked 14 hours and you guys, I did it with joy.

346

I felt so amazing this pregnancy.

347

And the reason I worked 14 hours is because right at Shift change, this mom walked

in and she was having a precipitous birth, which means real, really fast, right?

348

And it was her third baby You know, the charge nurse

and everyone's looking around 'cause it's shift change.

349

We're getting ready to go home and it's like, this woman

is about to have a baby who's gonna take care of her.

350

And so I said I'd stay and I'd deliver her and then go home after that.

351

And so we did, and we had a beautiful birth and she went really quickly.

352

I, I do not remember exactly what time she delivered, but it was right around like.

353

7, 7 15, something like that.

354

And I delivered her and got her through recovery, and then I finally

clocked out, you know, charted, clocked out, and then went home.

355

So that ended up being my last shift.

356

It was an very long shift, but it ended in like a really beautiful, just

classic physiological birth, which is kind of cool to think about now because

that would be the last birth that I would see before I would have my own.

357

So the next day was Thanksgiving.

358

We spent it with some friends and their family.

359

Everyone made jokes about me the whole day, like, oh, don't have the baby on the floor.

360

Ha ha ha.

361

You know, everyone likes to make those kinds of jokes when you're really pregnant.

362

But I felt nothing like zero indication of going into labor at all.

363

There were, I do remember there were dates on the

charcuterie board, the thank for Thanksgiving and.

364

Kelvin, was telling me to eat, eat them.

365

You know, maybe it'll do something.

366

So I think I ate one or two.

367

I hate dates.

368

We'll talk about that some other time.

369

So I think I choked down one or two as if that would do

anything, which spoiler two dates at 39 weeks won't, but.

370

I did choke him down.

371

I remember Kelvin thinking it could be valuable, so I ate those dates.

372

We had a sweet Thanksgiving with our friends, and then we just went home

and we went to bed and like I said, there was absolutely nothing going on.

373

Never had been checked anyway, like zero indication of labor, the middle of the night.

374

You know how it goes.

375

Right?

376

I woke up and I actually felt like I had to.

377

Pee.

378

And so I got up, which is, you guys know, duh, that's normal when you're pregnant.

379

So, got up, went pee, laid back down.

380

And then, I wanna say like 15 minutes later, I thought, oh, weird.

381

I have to pee again.

382

And it w and truly like nothing else going on.

383

I just thought like, oh, my bladder feels full, got up, peed again.

384

And I remember sitting on the toilet and it felt like.

385

Painful to pee, I guess is the best word to say it.

386

Because I was feeling, you know, a little bit of crampiness,

which I later understood, oh, those were contractions.

387

That's why I felt like I had to pee.

388

And so it was that very cliche like period, crampy fullness, feeling like

kind of the front of your pelvis where things just feel full down there.

389

And so at that point, I think I thought, oh.

390

I think these are maybe contractions.

391

That's why I keep feeling this.

392

Got back in bed, laid down and had another one like 15 minutes later.

393

And I know everyone says sleep.

394

And if you are a student in my course, I will tell you the same sleep.

395

But guess what I did not do.

396

I did not sleep.

397

I did not sleep at all.

398

I got up 'cause I at that point was like.

399

I can't, I'm so, I'm distracted, right?

400

I might be in labor and I need to know if I am,

not that you could do a darn thing about it.

401

But, so I got out of bed and I do at some point, I started tracking.

402

The first contraction I started tracking was at oh oh 26.

403

So midnight 26.

404

I. Got out my little app tracker and I just let Kelvin keep sleeping, of course.

405

And, just started tracking.

406

And over the next couple of hours, like textbook, things

just started getting closer and closer and closer together.

407

Nothing was, in my opinion, worth waking Kelvin up for,

but it was like exactly like you would read in a book.

408

You know, I'd woken up and those were 15 or 10 minutes

apart, and then it was eight, and then it was seven.

409

And then they were six.

410

I mean I've not had a labor since that one.

411

That was as textbook as my first one when it came

to labor pattern and what felt real and all of that.

412

And they did continue to get painful.

413

They weren't, at first, they were that noticeable twinge, and then it started to be a

little bit painful, and then it started to be clear like, oh, I'm definitely in labor.

414

These are six minutes apart, and like I have to get up off the couch.

415

I had turned on.

416

Friday Night Lights.

417

Shout out for Friday.

418

Night Lights.

419

One of my favorite shows ever.

420

I had turned it on and was just watching it through the morning, like early morning,

3:00 AM 4:00 AM and just contracting and watching TV and kind of chilling in between.

421

And, at this point, after those couple of hours, maybe five, six minutes contractions,

I had to get up off the couch and just sway or breathe or something to get through them.

422

And so obviously at that point I'm going, okay, this is.

423

This is probably, you know, real, when do, when should I wake up?

424

Kelvin?

425

Like kind of start having the true conversation in your

head of what to do and what does this all actually mean.

426

And I would also say that.

427

At kind of at some point in that morning when

these contractions got closer, the pain was real.

428

It was also when I feel like I made this switch from nurse to to mom or like nurse to

to woman in labor because up to that point I had been a little more clinical, right?

429

I am paying attention to my contractions.

430

I'm thinking, oh, do I a bloody show?

431

Not gonna lie guys.

432

I checked my own cervix, but I do not recommend that.

433

But I did because I knew what I was looking for and had what I

needed to do so, and so I had, you know, I was doing nursey things,

paying attention to almost like the management of my own labor.

434

then it's, I hit a point where it was that stopped and it was

just like, alright, I'm just in labor and it's time to just.

435

I don't have time to be a nurse.

436

I'm not interested in being a nurse anymore.

437

I'm just a woman trying to have a baby.

438

And so that was about the point when I woke up Kel, it was about 6:00 AM

so I'd done labor for, you know, six or so hours on my own and he slept.

439

I went in the room, said, Hey, I think I'm in labor.

440

He flipped the covers back and said, okay, great.

441

Get back in bed.

442

Which makes us laugh now because our.

443

Our birth instructor had said, you know, try to get her

to rest, try to get her to rest if she's in early labor.

444

But he didn't know I'd been up for like five hours at that point.

445

So I tried to lay down, had one contraction.

446

It's like, hell no, absolutely not.

447

I am not laying in this bed.

448

So I got up, he got up and yeah, we just started laboring together at home.

449

We probably did a couple hours of labor.

450

He tried to get me to eat some food.

451

He called our parents and let them know.

452

'cause I was sure when I had checked myself prior, I was like

four to five centimeters and had had some bloody show and stuff.

453

So I knew that, you know, I, I was in labor.

454

I didn't know how long it would take from that point on, but we did

know we're gonna have the baby today, tomorrow, something like that.

455

So eventually, we got to the point where I didn't wanna eat.

456

He wasn't calling people.

457

I more like needed his support.

458

And we were in our living room of our tiny little

sweet rental first house, we were swaying together.

459

I don't know, doing one of those things you can do together when you're laboring at home.

460

And I remember I felt a contraction that was,

I did not feel pushy, but there was a fullness.

461

To it.

462

Like, whoa, the baby just dropped.

463

Like something felt different than it had those prior six, seven hours or so.

464

And I said, I think we should go.

465

And Kel did again, what our birth instructor had taught and said just, you know, like.

466

Chill for a minute, hear her out and then kind of question her.

467

Not in a negative way, but just like, are you sure?

468

Especially because if the desire's unmedicated

birth, it's great to stay home as long as you can.

469

Right?

470

And so he just kind of said, are you sure?

471

Like we can stay here and keep working.

472

You're doing great.

473

That kind of thing.

474

And I had another contraction and I said, yes, I'm at, yes.

475

Like I wanna go to the hospital.

476

And so he's like, great, let's go.

477

And guys, I gotta be honest with you, Kelvin wants to be at the hospital every time.

478

He does not like.

479

That idea of, oh my gosh, what if you had a baby in the car?

480

This is stressful.

481

Anything.

482

So anytime I'm saying, let's go, he is more than

ready to get in the car and get to the hospital.

483

So.

484

We jumped in the car, rode to the hospital.

485

I won't tell you the whole story, but we have this dumb

story about the seatbelt, which he forced me to wear.

486

So I was super pissed at him because it was so uncomfortable and

I tried to ride in the backseat, but he wanted to be buckled.

487

And it was, yeah, a miserable car ride as it can be.

488

So my guess is baby, I was getting close to transition or something in the car.

489

So pretty uncomfortable, pretty unhappy.

490

And we had about a 25 minute drive, so we made it not the end

of the world, but not my favorite part of the whole story.

491

And when we got onto the unit again, I delivered where, I worked.

492

So I knew every single face on the unit.

493

When I walked in the door and I had called ahead and told 'em I was coming, I'd

been texting my friends like, it's so sweet to deliver your baby where you work.

494

'cause everybody like I figured out.

495

Who's gonna be my nurse, who's the charge nurse, who's the anesthesiologist?

496

Just in case like, just knowing all those things brings you a lot of peace.

497

And so we walked in, everybody knew I was coming, and we get to the front desk

and I don't know if I had thought about anything up to this point, but I, in

my head now, when I look back, I think, why did they not just put me in a room?

498

I obviously said I'm coming in, I'm in labor, but I'm a first time mom.

499

You gotta remember this, right?

500

And so big deal.

501

Yeah, I'm a nurse, but also.

502

First time moms often may come in and think, you

know, oh my gosh, this is real, this is horrible.

503

And they, it's possible they can be two or three centimeters.

504

They just don't have a gauge for what real labor is.

505

'cause we've never been in it, right?

506

And so it's pretty typical to put a first time mom, and even second,

third, fourth, if that's you, to triage where you get checked out

first and then they decide if they're gonna keep you for labor.

507

And so.

508

They put me in triage.

509

Sweet Mark at the front desk.

510

I felt so bad looking back 'cause I was not nice to him, but he's

like, Hey, you're gonna go in room 2 83 or whatever, or triage room.

511

And I looked at him like, are you kidding me right now?

512

I mean, I feel like I was shooting fire at him and he kind of

cringe 'cause it's not his choice, he's just doing the front desk

he's like, yeah, they want you in, you know, blah, blah, blah room.

513

And I was.

514

So livid that they were triaging me because I knew I was in labor based on what I felt.

515

Obviously I checked my own cervix like, but

they still triaged me, so they put me in triage.

516

They come in.

517

Sweet.

518

Sally was my labor nurse.

519

She's one of my faves from work.

520

She actually used to work in Australia and now, so she,

and then now works here in the us So she came in to see me.

521

And she asked, she could check my cervix.

522

And I said, sure.

523

And I was seven to eight centimeters with a bulging bag of water.

524

And I kid, you kid, you kid you not.

525

Can't talk.

526

In my head, I just thought told you so.

527

And I don't think I said it out loud, but part of me is so smug

like, yeah, put me in a room, you guys, I'm gonna have a baby.

528

So they were kind of like, oh great.

529

You know, Sally's incredible.

530

I love her.

531

I love her so much.

532

So she's like, cool, let's have a baby.

533

And she's very chill.

534

Honestly, Sally could have caught my baby no problem.

535

And I would not have worried a single bit if no one else was in that room.

536

So they got us admitted for real labor, and got us into our real room.

537

We started an iv.

538

I had an IV that birth.

539

And then, yeah, we just labored in the room for a couple hours.

540

Things were moving quick.

541

For a first time, mom, nobody really bugged me.

542

Nobody really, like put or expected anything of me.

543

We did a 20 minute monitoring of baby for the first 20 minutes in triage.

544

And then after you get that, this is pretty typical for everyone.

545

So this would be true for you too, probably if you go into a

hospital, you have to monitor about 20, 30 minutes when you first

get in or get admitted or get there, however you wanna say that.

546

And then they can pull it off and then do

intermittent monitoring if everything's looking great.

547

So that was what we were doing.

548

And then throughout that, like I think it was maybe 90 minutes

or so from when we got there to when it was kind of time, I just

wanted it quiet and chill and Kel and I just did our thing together.

549

I liked being on the birthing ball, so they had that in the room for me.

550

And then eventually I ended up on hands and knees on the floor.

551

Which if you listen to all my birth stories, I'll share all the rest of 'em later.

552

But hands and knees on the floor is my jam, and it's where I end up every single birth.

553

Like my pictures from my birth.

554

Often look the same because it's like there she is on hands and knees on the floor again.

555

So hands and knee on the floor, things were moving pretty fast.

556

And I will say in the back of my head, that kind of nursey

part was saying, this is too fast for a first timer.

557

Like you're not as far as you think you are.

558

' cause I started to feel pushy and at this point

I'd been in labor fully for about nine hours.

559

And if you guys know.

560

The average first timer, you know, they're usually

in labor like 18 to 24 hours, if not longer.

561

Of course, I'd seen like two, three day labors and inductions.

562

So in my brain I thought, this is, this is too fast.

563

We're not gonna have the baby today.

564

Like, don't get ahead of yourself.

565

but I started to feel pushy and I asked my midwife if she would check me.

566

'cause I just thought, is this possible?

567

Can I really be like in transition?

568

Is this, yeah, is this possible?

569

And then the flip of that is, if this is not, if we're not close.

570

I don't know if I can do this, you know, if I'm still seven or whatever.

571

And so I asked her to check me and Cal jumped up to go to the

bathroom and I was on the floor 'cause I was in hands and knees.

572

So I just flipped over really quick and laid down so she could check me.

573

And she said, oh, you know, this is so great.

574

You're 10 and your bag of water is still bulging and it's right there.

575

If you want, I can break it or I can just leave it and you know, you can keep going.

576

And I said, break it, please break it like.

577

To me, I felt like it's time.

578

Let's have this baby.

579

Now.

580

I kind of wish I would've tried to have an in-call birth, but whatever.

581

So I had her break it and when she broke it, obviously when it's bulging

like that and your 10 centimeters, there's often gonna be a ton of fluid.

582

And it was, it just went, we didn't, we didn't think it through very well since I

was laying on my back on the floor, but it just went everywhere, like water all up

my back and into my hair again, like picture, I'm just flat on the floor on this mat.

583

And the baby we had there was meconium, unfortunately.

584

So it's just poopy, meconium water everywhere.

585

And all of this is happening in, you know, 90 seconds, right?

586

So Kelvin comes out of the bathroom and every.

587

Everyone's not frantic, I don't wanna say that, but there's,

you know, water everywhere and they're saying you're complete.

588

And I'm trying to get up off the floor and everyone kind of looks

at Kelvin like, she's 10 centimeters, you're gonna have your baby.

589

And he's kind of like, what?

590

I just went to the bathroom and, and now I'm okay.

591

We're having the baby.

592

Like I left for two minutes and everything changed.

593

And so he, we, I wanted to be in the bed.

594

Uh, up to that point I had thought.

595

I, yeah, I just, I wanna deliver in the bed.

596

That's where I feel good or I think I'll feel good or whatever.

597

And so I got in the bed.

598

Kel helped me kind of get in the bed and then I was ready to push.

599

Definitely there was no, no passive descent or

anything like that that I was interested in.

600

I wanted to try and push and have this babe, and so my water had broken

601

The body kind of just took over as it often does, especially unmedicated as well.

602

Where you feel that strong urge to push baby was really low.

603

All of that.

604

And I remember, I think trying to push with the first

contraction and not being super efficient at it.

605

Which is probably true for a lot of us when we have that first babe or if we're

kind of trying to tune into our body and how it feels to actually push well.

606

And then the next contraction.

607

I pushed, let's say, well, I did it, I did a good job, and babe came

down and I'm telling you, I felt that baby like, come all the way down.

608

And I said, oh heck, like, absolutely not.

609

I am not doing this.

610

and I got really fearful in that moment.

611

I, it's the only, I've felt that feeling with my other kids, but that time it scared me.

612

And I, I, I don't wanna say I started freaking out, but Sally.

613

My wonderful nurse, she could tell that I was kind of like losing my grip a

little bit at what I was feeling and just refused to kind of push through it.

614

'cause you really have to kind of push through that fullness and get past that point.

615

And she's like, Hey, look at Kel.

616

Look at Kel.

617

'cause he was on one side and Sally was on the other and she's like, look at Kelvin.

618

And I remember him staring down at me like, you're good.

619

You can do this.

620

You're okay.

621

it was like being anchored because at that point.

622

I just, I think I would've backed up and said, I'm outta here.

623

For whatever reason, what I was feeling was way too much for me.

624

And so next push, I. It was the true, like saying, fine, I'm, I'm gonna push past this.

625

The only way out is through.

626

And she was born with the next contraction and we were going to have Kel

deliver and he, the midwife said, Hey, come here, like babe's coming.

627

And he went to drop, he was on my right side and he went

to put my right leg down and I was like, absolutely not.

628

You are not allowed to leave.

629

Which I feel bad about now because that's actually the only baby he didn't get to.

630

Literally catch and be the one because I thought, uh, no way, you're not going anywhere.

631

Do not move that leg.

632

And so I wouldn't let him actually like kind of go around

the bed and grab, but, midwife delivered, babe held her up.

633

We did not know what we were having.

634

So kind of held her up for Kelvin for him to tell me it

was a girl, and then just laid her right on my chest.

635

I gotta tell you guys.

636

You know, nobody, I'm sure you've heard the term or someone

will tell you, nobody gets a trophy for unmedicated birth.

637

And I will tell you that just in that moment, I was so

delighted that Kel and I had done this thing together.

638

And I think I would've been delighted either way if like, whatever way

she'd been born or if I'd gotten an epidural or something else had happened.

639

But I just remember this overwhelming feeling of pride in the two of us that we had done

this thing and that she was here and that together we had figured out how to do this.

640

And so I would tell you, yeah, maybe no one hands you a trophy, but if you feel

just immense pride or joy for the way your baby was born, and those moments of.

641

I freaking did this and I am a badass.

642

I hope you feel that and I hope you own that and you don't let anyone

talk you down from that ledge because we were both so, so delighted

that we had done this thing together and, and I don't want that.

643

To take away from, obviously we had this beautiful, healthy baby on my chest,

but we, we were, we were holding both those next 30 minutes, hour as we

started to meet her, hold her, both of us doing our skin to skin, all that.

644

We definitely just kept looking at each other like we did it.

645

Oh my gosh.

646

We did it and it, and it was a mutual thing and a

mutual point of pride in both her and what we'd done.

647

So I just wanted to say that because I think sometimes

people kind of like, oh, you know, it doesn't matter.

648

Like everybody's a champion and I agree with that.

649

Like doing what we do is, is incredible.

650

But if you feel that amidst pride and you feel like you've got a trophy good,

you own that and you feel that because what you've just done, however it looked.

651

It is phenomenal.

652

And so I felt like Kelly and I really felt that phenomenal ness.

653

I know that's not a real word.

654

Okay.

655

But I felt like we really felt that in that moment.

656

And here is.

657

The coolest part about all of this.

658

So you guys, obviously I've told you all about my mom

and how hard and broken and messy everything had been.

659

660

If you remember, my first contraction I tracked was at.

661

Oh, oh, 26, so exactly 10 hours from the start.

662

She was born and it was my mom's birthday, so very, very cool.

663

Grand little entrance for this tiny baby girl.

664

I would say this is kind of like, oh, not, not to drop a big sad thing

at the end, but my mother ended up passing away a few months later.

665

And so obviously then reflecting back.

666

Just knowing that she came on that day.

667

I just calling my mom and getting to, to say she's here.

668

My mom, I still remember, she's like, but it's my birthday.

669

Like, yes mom, it is.

670

How do you like, sorry to my sisters.

671

You can't ever trump this birthday present.

672

But just from my mom to have that experience, you know, on her last birthday for my.

673

Girl to share it with my mom.

674

You know, they never got to share it in real life.

675

And I could get lost on that and you don't need to hear me do that right now.

676

But it just set felt like such a gift, especially, once she was gone too.

677

Like how sovereign, how cool that that's how it all worked out.

678

Because I'll have to tell you, when I was pregnant, I never

for once thought, oh, this baby will come on my mom's birthday.

679

I hinged no hope on that because no one can predict stuff like that.

680

So when it really truly happened, it was pretty.

681

Pretty incredible that it worked out that way.

682

So that is it you guys, that is my first birth story and and I do wanna

encourage you if you find yourself in a similar kind of back and forth, tug

and war of being excited about pregnancy and walking through other hard things.

683

At the same time, it can be complicated and it can be super tough

and you don't always feel like there's people who understand that.

684

I know that we felt like all of our friends around us

are surrounded, they're so joyful and they're excited.

685

And then they had their babies.

686

Both my friends did it unmedicated as well.

687

Our little crew did it.

688

And you know, so those friends had their babies and they're all delighted.

689

And I'm over here.

690

You know, struggling with my mom and this loss, and then she actually did pass away.

691

And so postpartum was ugh, complicated and, and it felt pretty lonely and isolating.

692

So I think ultimately I would just encourage you, if for whatever reason your

pregnancy feels hard and heavy, just as much as it feels joyful, like you're not

alone in that, it doesn't mean that this story won't be good and beautiful too.

693

And it's okay if.

694

You wish it were different?

695

You know, I would do this, I would do all of that differently with a healthy mom.

696

Like I would change so many things if I could, but I can't.

697

And so I've just learned that that's the story that

was written for my mom and for me and for my baby girl.

698

And, and we did the best we could with what we had.

699

You know?

700

So if that's you, I just, you know, you're not alone in that.

701

Okay.

702

I just want you to hear that too.

703

then ultimately.

704

The, you can kind of see so much of, of that experience just instilled in me.

705

I mean, I hope you can hear it even in my voice, this passion and love for, for

what our bodies are capable of, what we can do as a team and with our partners too.

706

What it looks like to integrate family into birth, into postpartum,

into our breastfeeding stories and just what it means to deliver

in a hospital, but in a way that you are, you are in charge of.

707

And I think becoming the mother, being the patient, however you wanna say.

708

That was so eye-opening for Kel and I about how much you really do

need to know how much we don't get taught at our prenatal appointments.

709

And how important and valuable it can be to go and learn outside of maybe the

hospital birth class, which we did not do ours, or, go outside of maybe a book

or a friend and, and intentionally learn and turn yourselves into a team that

has the same vision and has the same goals for, for what birth can look like.

710

And so that's what the Labor Mama platform came from is.

711

Holy cow, we, we need more than what we're given.

712

And now that I'm a nurse and a mother, I can see all these gaps and I'm gonna fill them.

713

And so that's what I'm doing with my birth courses at ultimately,

I hope that's what I'm doing here with the podcast, right, is we're

just dropping knowledge in your head all the time, empowering you,

giving you those little me too moments as well, so that you just feel.

714

Like you're not alone in your questions, that you find

a place to ask your questions and that you know that.

715

Birth, postpartum, breastfeeding, all of it.

716

Birth, especially too in the hospital that these

things can be done and they can be done well.

717

That narrative is not always taught.

718

It's not the one we hear the most.

719

And so I think the value of learning with and

being with someone who says, Hey, this is hard.

720

Hey, here's all the things that might come up that are actually kind of crap,

but also here's how you can navigate them and here's some tools for you.

721

That's, yeah, that's just what we all need and that's what we all deserve.

722

And Kel and I found that in our own birth education

and chase that, and now it's just an absolute.

723

Privilege for me to, to get to share that with you.

724

And honestly, I kept applying it.

725

I had three more babies after this one, and I'll share those more later.

726

So.

727

You can tune into those at another time and I can kind of cross reference

all of these so you guys can listen to all of them if you jump in later.

728

But everything that I learned, you know, from that moment on, it may sound dramatic.

729

Just kept applying it to all of the days and the stories that were coming after it.

730

Okay guys, I'm gonna stop there.

731

This ended up way too long, but you will find.

732

That I love birth stories, and this podcast is not a birth story podcast,

but we will certainly have birth stories in here, not just mine included.

733

So thanks so much for giving me this space to share mine today, and I look

forward to talking with you and being with you again in the next episode.

734

Thank you so much for listening to the Lo and Behold podcast.

735

I hope there was something for you in today's episode

that made you think, made you laugh or made you feel seen.

736

For show notes and links to the resources, freebies, or discount codes

mentioned in this episode, please head over to lo and behold podcast.com.

737

If you aren't following along yet, make sure to tap, subscribe,

or follow in your podcast app so we can keep hanging out together.

738

And if you haven't heard it yet today, you're doing a really good job.

739

A little reminder for you before you go, opinions shared by guests of this show are

their own, and do not always reflect those of myself and the Labor Mama platform.

740

Additionally, the information you hear on this podcast or that you

receive via any linked resources should not be considered medical advice.

741

Please see our full disclaimer at the link in your show notes.